About License To Love

In the movie Parenthood, Keanu Reeves' character says of parenting, "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any #$%$@#$%%! be a father."

I've always wondered why the only thing required to show that we are ready to take a new baby home is proof of an infant car seat.

Wow, we're pregnant!
Could I possibly get any fatter?
Push! Arrrrrrrggghhhhhh!
Congratulations! You have a baby boy/baby girl/squalling red alien/milk-sucking parasite/lifelong obsession!

Then, the rest is up to us. No license, no training, no degree, no residency require to operate a child.

The physical stuff is the easy part.  Any roob can learn what a new baby needs, because largely, if you do something to it and it makes a loud noise, it's not the right thing, so you try something else until the critter stops turning purple from screaming, and your ear drums move back into your head.  Even as the child ages and requires different things, you can figure out it's physical needs fairly easily. Change it, bathe it, hold it, feed it, keep it appropriately warm or cool. Daycare workers with very little education can take care of the physical needs of a child.

It's the more complex stuff that, unless we come from very deliberately raised families, we know little to nothing about.

When it comes to capturing the hearts of our children -- teaching them how to stay even-keeled, logical, loving, and training their minds to be disciplined and turned toward goodness  -- that's where most of us  need some training.  This does not come naturally to a lot of us, certainly not to me.  It requires patience, wisdom, and a view of the big picture that we may not even have. By the way, I am not claiming to know much.  I am just claiming to know a little bit more each year than I did the year before.

The truth is: there is no license to be had that entitles us to love a child, because you can't license something that grows from within, that takes so much deliberation, and care, and wisdom, even though you can develop "parenting skills." Good parenting is not just a measure of skills that you can pick up in a magazine or class, although they can help.  Nor is it a measure of education, or even intelligence. It is a measure of wisdom.  An eighth grade dropout can be a better parent than an Ivy League Ph.D. 

Raising up a child right requires constant vigilance as to the state of the child's heart, and a willingness to go deeper into the finer points of parenting, such as discovering what lights your child's fire, and then supporting her in keeping it lit. All children are different, and siblings often have subtle differences in needs.

Is he more sensitive than his sister? If so, you need to be more gentle with jokes and teasing, or tease in a different way, or model gentle teasing so he can see it is okay.

Is she too serious and gets bogged down with her struggles instead of seeing the joy in life?  Then you need to model joy, and find a way to lead her down the path to it.

Or is she bent on playing all the time? If so, you recognize that she may learn best during play, and help her set some goals and work/play ratio guidelines, without simply nagging and ridiculing her to be someone who she isn't.

Is he shy? Then you need to know when to push him forward and when to recognize that the social thing he did just required herculean effort on his part.  You also need to recognize when you are coddling his shyness and not let it turn in to an excuse for bad behavior.

Does he like argumentation, debate and discourse?  He may have a natural instinct to ask "why" when you require something of him, without intending to be a brat.  As soon as you are sure he will do what you ask without questioning him, and he isn't challenging you, you may adapt your parenting to include after-the-fact discussions of "why" that his siblings may not even be interested in.

Parenting to keep the hearts of your children "simply" requires constant tweaking, assessment, reassessment, and for those of us who do it, prayer. You don't need to raise perfect children.
You don't need a soccer star, or valedictorian, or varsity quarterback, or even a child who goes on to college.  You just need to raise a child who is better than you, who more often than not, thinks about the impact of his actions on others, who inspires others, and who lives a life spreading love, not hate.

Easy, right?

Comments

[Paul Clark]

Great writing, loved every word; and so true.

I have referenced your Blog on mine, check it out.

AV
(Father of 11)

[spindiva]

I absolutely love this article...I love it and can't say it enough. Thank you so much for your insight--funny but so, so real, so true.