For a language that took over 1500 years to develop, you’d think English
would finally be content with itself and would consider resting easy
for a while. You’d think it would be happy staying home, tending the
fire, puttering around in the garden for once. It wouldn’t have to be
modest – after all, it is the primary language of the United States,
Canada, Australia, New Zealand, the United Kingdom. It
is also commonly used in countries with a colonial past, such as South
Africa and India, and is taught as a primary foreign language of many
other countries. It could still stay full of
itself with its strange spellings of strange sounding words a body has
to be “in the know” to understand. I reckon the red wren was a wretched recreant! However, it would be good for it to rest for a spell. Just be for a while, dude.
But no. It
has to be fluid, constantly adapting to large (and gross!) changes in
the use of English in the media, which translates nearly instantly to
use of English in the under 18 set. Cheeky English.
The
fact is: English is ill, and I don’t mean “ill” in the same way my
teenager does, which is the “ill” that is actually not ill, but good. There is a contagious case of English language sickness that seems to be breaking out everywhere we look. I believe, as the traditionalist that I am, even though I just used the word "dude" in an essay, that it may be incurable.
Things that have gone out of the grammatical window in the US:
Spelling. Spelling is gone like a freight train. Gone like a freight train filled with boxes of Dolch sight word flash cards on a track that dead-ends at the top of a rocky cliff. I believe that spelling is the Spencerian script of the modern world. No one does it anymore, even though it once was the visual equivalent of a bird singing his heart out on a spring morning. Who needs to understand spelling when we have Spell Check installed everywhere that a piece of software can physically be installed, including on cell phones?
I believe that Spell Check will one day be the actual mark of the beast -- it will be installed via microchip into our babies, allowing for an "intuitive" understanding of spelling and word use which will involve a red underlining of our children's thoughts then, in word form, flash across their little retinas and flip over to declare itself correct before they even dare to speak or write a word.
This will eventually evolve English into language that doesn't actually require real words, and then....English will be DEAD.
Oh, wait. We're already there. We have texting.
You don't believe me when I say we no longer need words to communicate? ^RUP^ : AAMOF, your BFF, AKA IRL as “Jenny” who is ROFL. It’s 2G2BT! *
And what happened to grammar as a result of these changes I never asked for? Grammar has been thrown to the dogs like a cat carcass. We
live in a country filled with reality shows starring people who may not
be in the deepest end of the gene pool, and as such, should not be the
example of intellect for our children, and our children’s teachers, to
model. Yet, they are.
My pet peeve:
Me: How are you?
Anyone under the age of 35: I’m good.
I don’t care how “good” you are, you are not good enough at grammar to keep William Malone Baskerville and your own grandmother from rolling over in their graves every time they hear that phrase uttered, and you are not good enough with your basic speech to have earned my respect.
In fact, I may see evidence of how good you are in your daily actions – you are probably quite a good person, but what I want to know when I am asking that question is: how "well" you are, not how "good" you are. Do people no longer know this? Is this unable to be tracked in Spell Check?
There
used to be a time where if you answered “I’m good,” instead of “ I’m
well,” your mother would slam your head down in your morning bowl of
Cheerios until you said "I'm well, thank you," with milk dripping out of your sinuses, or your teacher would smack you with a ruler until you wept, and your parents
would be grateful. Has proper English really died?
The truth is, there are people fighting the good fight to keep English grammar consistent and correct. The stodgy old English teacher, the one who looks like the Crypt Keeper - - she’s a soldier. Grandmas
and grandpas all over the English-speaking world are disgusted with the
speech of their grandchildren, but try to model correct grammar in the letters they write to their children's children, letters that they no longer expect will even receive replies. Yet they fight the good fight.
Many writers, teachers, and most publishers still take pride in grammatical excellence, but not all of them. I find errors in newspapers, in television commercials, letters from school teachers and principals, and even in discourse between professional political commentators. I've even heard slang on news shows. Wizzle da hizzle?!
These people are supposed to be setting examples.
Things you can do to keep the English language fire alive:
Talk to your children in proper English. Remediate your skills, if necessary. You can do this online, for free! Remind your children that they will need it to get a job later on in life that will actually allow them to feed and clothe their own children, presumably the same children to whom you will one day be writing many unanswered, yet grammatically correct letters.
Point out
grammatical errors in the media. Give your children spelling and grammar activities. Train them to use superior grammar skills all the time, reminding them that it will set them apart from the masses and help them develop a superior intellect. Note: this may only work for snobby, elitist children -- it worked for mine.
Make your children read real literature. Read great books aloud to them instead of watching Survivor or Punk'd. Make them write, then correct what they write. Encourage them to enter essay contests. Find ways to keep it fun. Let's let Mr. Baskerville rest in peace,and do your part to help keep English alive.
I'm Miss Suzy and I approve this message.
* Read up, please. As a matter of fact, your best friend forever, otherwise known in real life as “Jenny,” is rolling on the floor laughing. It’s too good to be true!”
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